Trepidation over Titles, Text, and Theology

One of my biggest fears is what people will think of what I do, what I say, what I write, etc.  Even now, I had meant to write about something that’s been on my heart, but gave up on it mainly because I couldn’t think of a title.  It’s silly.  Very, very silly.

Although, if I had written about something silly, I wouldn’t have had a hard time with it at all.  I would just write it down and post it.  There wouldn’t be any kind of worry or fear about what anyone would think about it.  It’s silly, therefore who cares if it’s bad.

But writing something serious, that’s dangerous.  If I made one mistake, people could think I’m stupid and never listen to what I say.  They would probably just blow me off when I started talking about something I knew a lot about.  And that scares me.  I’d lose all the respect I have from people.  Of course, if all I ever talk about is silliness, I doubt many people would have much respect for me anyway.

It all sounds extremely stupid when I say it like that.  That’s probably because it is extremely stupid.  I know that basically everyone I know says things that are wrong, and I still respect them and listen to them.  I don’t call them stupid or hit them over the head with a rainstick.(At least, I try not to)  I just accept that they’re not perfect and love them anyway.  I know my friends would do the same for me.  Yet, I’m still so scared just to express my opinions.

Because of that, most of the opinions I express turn out to be from someone else.  I’ll take what I’ve read or heard from others and act like they are my thoughts.  This doesn’t work out too well, especially when I’m  asked to defend my views.  If I’m just stealing someone else’s thoughts, my (fake) opinions have no depth and therefore no way or place for explanation.  Is it really that hard to have your own opinions about something?  No, it isn’t.  And I do have mine.  I just seem to push them back behind the opinions of those that I respect.

One of the things I really want from these six months is to learn how to stop putting so much defense around myself.  I’ve put up so many walls built from fear and lies so that I don’t have to show who I really am.  It’s so much easier to make up lies about how I think and feel rather than just show my true thoughts.  Talking about llamas is much simpler than talking about myself.  Sharing poems that are silly and stupid is much easier than sharing ones that I think are actually good.

Basically, what I’m saying here is that I want to be found vulnerable to God and to my friends.  I admit it.  I’m scared about what you all will think when you read what I write.  But I don’t want it to be that way.  When I write, when I sing, when I play, I want to be completely vulnerable.  I don’t want to fear making mistakes or doing something wrong.  I don’t want to give up just because I think that what I’ll do won’t be good enough.  I want to give my best and accept that by doing so, I’ll end up getting better at it as I go on.

Anyway, I’m not trying to complain or rant by talking about this.  I just want to get it out in the open, so I can get myself to start working on it.  I’m tired of hiding things and embracing lies.  While I’m here, I want every hidden thing to come out, every lie to be confessed and thrown away, and I want to be found completely raw and broken before God.  That seems to be the only place where true peace is.

Of course, all of this in no way means that I’m going to stop being silly or having fun.  That would be rather boring.  My favorite part of my relationship with God is how silly it is.(Mostly how silly I am when I’m with Him XD)  I’m just trying to stop acting silly/stupid to avoid being serious and expressing my thoughts.

Thou hast rocked my world if you’ve read this far.  Boo yah to you.  You deserve a cookie or something.  Leave your name, phone number, address, and library card number in the comments, and I might just mail you a cookie or some kind of sweet little treat of goodness.

Well I’ll update you on what I was going to talk about later.  For now, I sleep.  Guten Nacht.

 

 

P.S. By placing your information in the comments you waive all right to privacy/any kind of personal life.  I then obtain the right to sell your information on the black market/ebay.  W007!  I win.

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